Sounds simple doesn’t it – and in a way I guess it is, or would be if we could disconnect our thought processes and just do it.
As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I am making major changes around my house. It looks a little like a tornado has come through right now but in less than 4 weeks I will have essentially a new living space inside and out. It will be fresh and clean and everything I no longer want, or need, will be gone! It is amazingly cathartic. People who have known me for a while will know for the last 2 years I have had a major clean-up every January, but there is still a long way to go. Even now there are still some things I can’t get rid of; some hold special memories, some are from special people or times and some I just like. Given time, some of these things will also be discarded, while others will stay for ever.
As I was moving and sorting and discarding it occurred to me that this is what is happening in my life as well. It started simply as wanting to lose weight and feel better about myself, but it has become so much more. I have moved ‘things’ that were once important in my life to different places, I have sorted priorities and thoughts and I have discarded many pre-conceived ideas.
I have always been the ‘fat one’, the ‘shy one’, the ‘one who couldn’t’, the ‘one who was afraid to try’ etc. Now I have realised that while others may have categorised me, I was also doing the same thing. I am not saying I was unhappy, just accepting. I knew there was more out there in the world to do and see and be, but somewhere I had begun to believe that those things were for someone else, that I couldn’t or didn’t deserve to do these things because of the way I looked or was. What makes me sad is that subconsciously I have, to a degree, passed this onto my kids.
Losing the weight has certainly helped my confidence in myself, but I have lost a significant amount of weight before without any noticeable change in me as a person. The difference this time is the support – my family for sure, although they were equally supportive last time, but the big difference this time is that instead of going and getting weighed and then struggling through the next week, this time I have the support, both online and in person, of people who are in a similar situation. Not all are a part of 12wbt, but all know the feelings that come with being overweight and unfit, of struggling with low self-esteem and the feelings of failure if you eat or do something less than perfect – and this is what makes the difference. Because they know, they understand and they encourage and support.
I am doing, and even better, enjoying things I had never tried before, I am caring less about what other people think, and most times I am even managing to ignore that negative inner voice, I am moving away from the couch and the computer and instead of hiding behind a screen or inside I am getting out and doing things. I have changed my priorities in life from existing and getting through each day to enjoying my life, to doing things I have never done before and I am enjoying getting to know this new version of me.
Because of this, one of the things I have discarded is a couple of ‘friends’. We all have people who play different roles in our lives. Some support us no matter what, some are very negative and seem to disagree with everything we say, but the worst friends and I use the term loosely, are the ones who seem to support you, but at the same time are undermining you with seemingly innocent and ‘caring’ remarks. These relationships are toxic and I am learning that I certainly do not get anything good from them and they in no way add any quality to my life. I am learning that sometimes it’s okay to put me first, that just because I say no occasionally, it won’t make people like me less, and if it does, we are back to those toxic relationships.
Of course no day or time is perfect. I still doubt myself; I still feel self-conscious and silly and wonder why, at my age, I am doing these things. But then I remember how it makes me feel and more importantly how I used to feel and I tell that little voice to shut up and I move on.
That’s where I am right now – telling myself to just shut up and just do it.
I was so excited about finale being in Sydney, but over the last few days I have realised I am no longer excited, in fact I am nervous. I travel into Sydney all the time on the train, but I am anxious about getting to the hotel alone and checking in. I seriously considered not going to the workout because I ‘might not be able to keep up and it will be hot and I will look horrible and we might not get back in time to get our hair and make-up done and ….’ And yes, I tell myself it’s just being silly but that damn voice just won’t shut up.
But then I remember I am tired, from work and from getting everything done and that voice is much louder when I am tired. I KNOW I will have a great time, I just need to get there, because I am a different person now and I CAN do it. I am not that person that makes excuses any longer – I am the one who can do anything!
But – if you see me hesitating, give me a shove and as they say, it will be alright on the night 😀