I need a Gibb’s-style slap over the back of the head – any volunteers? For anyone who doesn’t know what I mean – I guess you need to watch NCIS but basically it means I need someone to pull me back into line …. and yes … I know that person has to be me.
I have to be honest and say I have been putting off writing this for over a week now. I knew that once it is written and ‘out there’ I will no longer be able to pretend anymore! The last 10 days or so I have been pretty much out of control with my eating.
I was thinking about it last night, and it was as if I was looking down on myself watching myself eat all this rubbish, knowing I needed to stop but also knowing that if no-one knew I could keep pretending.
The problem was – I knew about it and as much as I have tried to deny it, the time has come to stop and take control back over my life and food.
A couple of months ago I decided I was in the right frame of mind to do the next round of 12wbt; I was very organised, I did all my pre-season stuff (probably better than ever before) and for the first week I did okay – not fabulous, but okay. I think the problem for me is that despite having put some weight back on, I am still over 20 kilos lighter than when I started and in some warped way I think that that’s ok, that even if I fail this round, I am still better than I was.
And yes, that is true but am I where I want to be – definitely not!! So why do I keep sabotaging myself? I started to write – ‘I really don’t know’, but this blog is all about being honest – with me if not with anyone else. I do know, at least part of the reason, and I have talked about it before. It’s fear – pure and simple.
I have ‘improved’ and changed so much over the last couple of years and I am pretty happy with me as a person – as long as I don’t look in the mirror too often – but with these changes there is a moving forward and for me that means getting out and meeting more people, having a life apart from my kids and my work and that is what scares me.
I am okay meeting with my exercise friends, my work friends and family but add anyone else in the mix and I retreat, mentally if not physically. Some of it is too many years of feeling judged by the way I look, whether it was true or not, but there are all kinds of other emotions mixed in there as well, including fear of rejection, fear of being disloyal to John (and I know he would be the first person to tell me to stop being silly!), fear of being hurt, fear of being laughed at … so much fear.
In my head I see that if I stay like this, I am pretty safe. I have my niche that I fit in perfectly. I am not sure I really want to get out of it … but if I am honest I know I want more.
I know that losing the weight is not going to make me happy, it will help but I can’t and am not waiting until I am the ideal weight to be satisfied, but I also know that like this I am not happy. I am so fed up with myself and my over thinking everything (although I am certainly much better than I used to be!) but I am just not sure what to do about this.
I know the answers in my head – JFDI – get into robot mode – don’t over think it – trust the process and 12wbt etc etc etc. You see, I know the words and the rhetoric. My problem is carrying it out. I start off each night determined to start fresh the next morning. I am never sure when it all goes to pieces but it is usually evening by the time I realise that once again things have not gone to plan.
Anyway – enough talk. I think maybe I just needed to put it out there and make myself accountable.
It is my birthday on Monday – I wanted to look totally different by this birthday – so now I need to make it this time next year. The worst thing is that my lack of commitment and bad habits are flowing over to my son. I am so disappointed in myself. That is not the kind of role model I want to be 😦
Will I do it? Keeping with being honest – I really don’t know. I will certainly try. Stay tuned, I will try to blog more often, perhaps if I am writing about what is happening it will be the push I need to get myself back where I want to be!!