I need a Gibb’s-style slap over the back of the head – any volunteers? For anyone who doesn’t know what I mean – I guess you need to watch NCIS but basically it means I need someone to pull me back into line …. and yes … I know that person has to be me.
I have to be honest and say I have been putting off writing this for over a week now. I knew that once it is written and ‘out there’ I will no longer be able to pretend anymore! The last 10 days or so I have been pretty much out of control with my eating.
I was thinking about it last night, and it was as if I was looking down on myself watching myself eat all this rubbish, knowing I needed to stop but also knowing that if no-one knew I could keep pretending.
The problem was – I knew about it and as much as I have tried to deny it, the time has come to stop and take control back over my life and food.
A couple of months ago I decided I was in the right frame of mind to do the next round of 12wbt; I was very organised, I did all my pre-season stuff (probably better than ever before) and for the first week I did okay – not fabulous, but okay. I think the problem for me is that despite having put some weight back on, I am still over 20 kilos lighter than when I started and in some warped way I think that that’s ok, that even if I fail this round, I am still better than I was.
And yes, that is true but am I where I want to be – definitely not!! So why do I keep sabotaging myself? I started to write – ‘I really don’t know’, but this blog is all about being honest – with me if not with anyone else. I do know, at least part of the reason, and I have talked about it before. It’s fear – pure and simple.
I have ‘improved’ and changed so much over the last couple of years and I am pretty happy with me as a person – as long as I don’t look in the mirror too often – but with these changes there is a moving forward and for me that means getting out and meeting more people, having a life apart from my kids and my work and that is what scares me.
I am okay meeting with my exercise friends, my work friends and family but add anyone else in the mix and I retreat, mentally if not physically. Some of it is too many years of feeling judged by the way I look, whether it was true or not, but there are all kinds of other emotions mixed in there as well, including fear of rejection, fear of being disloyal to John (and I know he would be the first person to tell me to stop being silly!), fear of being hurt, fear of being laughed at … so much fear.
In my head I see that if I stay like this, I am pretty safe. I have my niche that I fit in perfectly. I am not sure I really want to get out of it … but if I am honest I know I want more.
I know that losing the weight is not going to make me happy, it will help but I can’t and am not waiting until I am the ideal weight to be satisfied, but I also know that like this I am not happy. I am so fed up with myself and my over thinking everything (although I am certainly much better than I used to be!) but I am just not sure what to do about this.
I know the answers in my head – JFDI – get into robot mode – don’t over think it – trust the process and 12wbt etc etc etc. You see, I know the words and the rhetoric. My problem is carrying it out. I start off each night determined to start fresh the next morning. I am never sure when it all goes to pieces but it is usually evening by the time I realise that once again things have not gone to plan.
Anyway – enough talk. I think maybe I just needed to put it out there and make myself accountable.
It is my birthday on Monday – I wanted to look totally different by this birthday – so now I need to make it this time next year. The worst thing is that my lack of commitment and bad habits are flowing over to my son. I am so disappointed in myself. That is not the kind of role model I want to be 😦
Will I do it? Keeping with being honest – I really don’t know. I will certainly try. Stay tuned, I will try to blog more often, perhaps if I am writing about what is happening it will be the push I need to get myself back where I want to be!!
From Average to Fabulous 
Thank you for such an honest post. Self-sabotage definitely isn’t easy to overcome, you’re in no way alone with this (you only have to read the comments in the 12wbt group to see that). But sometimes knowing other people understand, doesn’t really help.
All I can say is, I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS. I know you can give yourself that slap on the back of the head, because you’ve done it before.
And I am sure your son looks at you and is PROUD of everything you’ve done and are doing, despite what you think. You’re still eating a much healthier way than you were a year ago. Take comfort from that, use it to your advantage; it’s a weapon in your arsenal.
Keep going girl, doesn’t matter how slow or fast; remember your saying, it’s your own race, nobody else’s. And you will win it. xx
Shirley such a great honest read…Firstly thanks for sharing & for being honest. I can relate to being afraid of change. Change scares the daylights out of me most of the time I hate it & it can be my undoing at an instant. It has taken a bit of time but I have learnt that some change is good, can bring surprises & experiences you normally close yourself off to. To be afraid is natural, just remember that Red bubble around you & don’t let that blue noise pop in.
Like Gill said above yes you may have a way to go but look how far you have come, this IS YOUR race & yes you WILL win
Just let me know if you would like a Gibbs slap I am happy to help anytime lol 🙂
Shirley I can slap both of us. Looks like we are in the same place at present. Love the honesty and perhaps I need to also come clean. Eating habits have gone to pieces for some reason which I can’t explain. Like you need to get outside the comfort zone. Perhaps we need to do it together. Miss our conversations but love to stay in the loop with your blogs. I know that you will definitely take control with both hands on the wheel and set the course. You are a beautiful person irrelevant of your weight. Don’t let it define who you are or will be. Love always.