Just when you think you have it all together, something happens and you realise it was all an illusion!
The last couple of weeks have been hard in lots of ways. We have all been sick with the latest bug doing the rounds, plus a trip to hospital with suspected appendicitis for one of the boys (it wasn’t). But the real problem for the last couple of weeks has been in my head!
You know when you know something is up but you don’t really know what it is! That’s how I have been feeling and then suddenly, last night, I realised exactly what I am feeling. It’s resentment!
It’s been 6 ½ years since John died and I thought I had been through all the stages of grief and was pretty much content. But now I realise that I have jumped back to anger. Not so much at John, although there is a little of the ‘why did you have to leave me’ in there. But it’s more anger and resentment for the change in lifestyle – for want of a better word.
As a family we were pretty happy – of course we had our moments like everyone, but overall it was good. Lately I have been seeing ads on TV of families and it makes me so sad, and yes, resentful that this was taken away from us (me).
The stupid thing is that in reality, our lives weren’t the perfect lives portrayed on TV and in movies anyway. I worked every second weekend, so we could never do things together then, and there were all the times I sat on the sideline looking in because of my weight or my lack of confidence or just plain fear – or even worse, those times we stayed home and did nothing because it is easier.
The boys missed out on so much because of this and I am sad for them. I know if I asked them, they wouldn’t agree, and fortunately they seem to have good memories of growing up, but I see how my low self-esteem has rubbed off on them and that makes me sad. I am not saying I am a bad parent – actually I think John and I did a pretty good job bringing the boys up to be nice, polite, caring young men, but what I am saying is by watching me be afraid to try, to move out of my comfort zone, they have learned – to a degree – to be the same. I am sure all parents have regrets and I know the only thing I can do now is step out and show them, rather than tell them, that it’s okay to reach for your dreams
But, it’s more than that- this feeling I have had over the last few days. It is regret for the things I didn’t do, for the things I didn’t say but most of all it sadness that I haven’t lived the life I could have. Note I didn’t say ‘should’ have. My life has been pretty good but watching TV or talking to people I realise how much more I could have done if I had just believed in myself.
It used to be that when I had times like this, they would last for ages and I would become very depressed and anti-social, but this journey I have been on for the last few years has taught me that it’s okay to have times like this, it’s how you react to them that counts.
So, once again, I did what I need to do when I am having these moments, I moved away from people to give myself some time and space and eventually decided that yes, it is sad that there were all those lost opportunities, but I can’t get them back and all I can do now is live the best life I can.
The biggest problem with that is that nothing has changed – as an example I would love to go out to dinner or to see a movie, or go to a concert (Michael Bublé tickets go on sale soon :/), but it’s hard to do it alone. Sometimes it just feels as if this will be my life forever, and while it’s a good life, I want more. Maybe I am expecting too much, but if not, I just don’t know how to change it.
The thing that really annoys me is that of course when I feel like this I turn to food. Once again I am eating my emotions and no matter how many times I go to bed swearing it won’t be like that tomorrow, and no matter how many times I wake up ready to go and determined to eat well, by lunch time it has all gone horribly wrong.
In my head I know what to do; now I just figure out how to do it.