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It’s been a while since I last blogged. Actually, that’s not true. I did write another blog but it was so negative and ‘woe is me’ that I decided not to post it. I did however share it with a few special friends, not for sympathy but more because I needed to get it all out of my head. I love my friends! They always know just what to say, because they have all been or are in similar places, without enabling me to continue with the negativity.

It’s the last week of round 4 of 12wbt and after much thought and decision making; I have decided I am not doing this round. I sat down and wrote a list of pros and cons which didn’t clarify my decision whether to re-join in any way, so I wrote a list of what I would need to continue my journey.

I have the plans, the recipes and the podcasts all downloaded and ready to use and to be honest I rarely logged into the site this last round. Even my stats are nowhere near up to date. The two things that I need the most are support and mindset; support I get from a group of awesome ladies, both here and overseas and the mindset is not something a website can give me. That has to come from inside and is mixed in with support and self-belief.

So I am going it alone this round. I am getting back on track and if I feel I need it I can re-join next round. I will always be grateful to Michelle for her guidance and program and for the foundation of knowledge she has given me.

As I am moving onto a new phase I thought it was time for a look back to see what I have achieved in the last round but more so over the last 6 months.

At first glance this last round has been a total fail; I have put on weight, I am not exercising as I was and I know my confidence and self-belief has slipped – not right back to where it was, but too far for my liking. But when I really thought about it, I realised I have learnt a lot – I know, without a doubt that I can get back to where I was, I can stop the downward spiral and I will never ever let myself go back to that sad, overweight, depressed person I was.

I believe in me which, on reflection, is something I have never really done. There has always been someone else to lean on, to share things with, to just be with, which is why I think I found life so difficult after John died and more so when my mother passed away 6 months later. Suddenly I had to make decisions without anyone to bounce them off and I was scared, so I would put things off for as long as possible. I am not saying I am now fabulous at decision making; what I am saying is I believe I can do things now. Sure, often I still procrastinate and hope the decision will be made for me but I am learning to be responsible for my life and to trust myself.

I have learnt that small bumps in the road are just that – bumps – not huge mountains.

I have learnt that I can keep going and that I can stop that little voice in my head and tell her to shut up.

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I have learnt to be proud of what I have achieved – to dwell on the positive, not the negative.

I have learnt to look in the mirror and like what I see (most of the time).

I have learnt that it is okay to dream – to believe that I deserve to be the person I want to be.

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I have learnt that it really doesn’t matter what other people think, of me or what I do, as long as I am happy and believe in myself.

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I have learnt that I no longer want to be on a diet. I do however want to be healthy and so my aim for now is to eat 90% clean.

I have learnt that it is a lifestyle, a sustainable lifestyle that I want and if this means achieving whatever goals I have just a little slower, then so be it.

I have learnt that I don’t have to feel bad, guilty, feel like a failure or any other emotion because I can’t run, ride a bike, walk as fast as others or anything else as long as I am moving and improving on my best.

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I have learnt to be kind to myself, and that it is ok to say enough is enough and my body (especially my hands right now) needs me to stop and rest for a while.

I have learnt that I need to talk to myself as I would talk to my friends. I would never ever put them down and say negative things to them so why should I do it to myself!

I have learnt that there is no pass or fail – it is  just life and everyone walks down their own path and we are just where we need to be in our own personal journey.

I have learnt that I am enough, just as I am. Of course I want to be better/different and that is what gives me the incentive to keep going but until I get where I want to be, I am enough.

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(I have learnt I love quotes 😉 )

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