I went for a walk early this morning and by the time I got home I had my blog written in my head. I had to go out straight afterwards and so it didn’t get written and all day today I have managed to avoid actually writing it but now it is almost midnight and I know if I don’t do it now, I just won’t sleep.

It’s been quite a while since I last wrote a blog. There are plenty of reasons, all of which are valid but there is really no real reason, except I have had so much going on in my head and so much I want to say that it just seemed easier not to start.

Since finale life has, to say the least, been extremely hectic. I have pretty much moved every single thing in my 2-storey house at least once. I have had floors sanded and polished, carpet cleaned, walls painted, the pool removed, had the electrician and plumber both doing work and in the middle of that my oldest son moved out which meant rearranging rooms. Being me, I left it all until time was short. I had a kind of deadline in that my best friend was visiting from the UK and naturally I wanted to get it all done before they arrived (and I did but literally only by hours lol). Add into that working nights (7 on, 7 off), having a tooth abscess and the general everyday things like housework and cooking (especially now my cook has moved out 😦 ) and sleeping and you get a better idea of what my days have been like.

Since Emazon my outlook on so many things has changed. Among other things I realised that all the drama in my life is just that – drama. That it was time to step back and reassess what was important; that I needed to stop stressing about what I SHOULD do and just let things happen. I realised that after 55 years it was time to stop worrying so much about what others thought and to really consider what I wanted and thought. That’s pretty deep and in the past it would have terrified me, but this time, and I know this sounds cliché, it just felt right. I felt at peace with myself for the first time in a very long time.

Having Gill (and her husband and son) here was wonderful. We did all the tourist things as it was their first time to Australia, but we also had a bit of time to sit and talk. Of course there is never enough time, but it was nice to be able to talk rather than type (and yes I know there is Skype and all those other options but we always use messenger and it works for us). The big thing I noticed for me was that I was much less concerned about how I looked. I got dressed in the morning and then stopped thinking about it! That is huge for me. The other thing was I took photos – of me! I am not saying I like them all but I took and let them be taken. We went and spent one day on Manly Beach, which was fabulous, and it made me realise how much I have missed out on over the years, but I also did something unheard of for me. I sat on the beach in a sundress – no cardigan over the top. For anyone that knows me – this is totally unheard of. And you know what? I survived 🙂

I like who I am becoming. I like that I like me enough to do new things; to step out of my comfort zone and go on things like the Scenic Railway and Skyway at Katoomba and actually enjoy them. I like that I am not so afraid to show people the real me; that I am no longer afraid that they won’t like me. I have stopped assuming that friendships only last a few months and will end once they get to know me. I have learnt that I can trust people not to hurt me because I am learning to trust and like myself.

Yesterday I decided it was time to re-evaluate. My food has certainly been less than perfect and although I haven’t done any formal exercise (I miss the gym!), I haven’t stopped the whole time so I figure that has to count for something. I actually find it rather amusing that I miss going to the gym and exercising – me, who until 6 months never did anything except and occasional (short) walk.

I have put on almost 5 kilos since finale. Once that would have really stressed me but while I am not happy, it’s okay. I know I will lose it again. I went for a walk this morning (and realised just how unfit I have become) and I am eating sensibly until after Christmas, then I am back on program. Actually, I should clarify that. I am not going to be so strict with my calorie count. I will follow a plan – mine not Michelle’s – but still using her recipes but I am going to keep my calories between 1200 and 1400 and not get too stressed on exact counts. This is for life and I am not counting calories forever. I know what I ‘should’ be eating and I know there will be times when I don’t stick to plan, but as long as these are ‘occasionally’ and not ‘often’, I will be fine. I have taken a leaf out of Kyleanne’s book and not weighed for several weeks. Another first for me – me, the one who would weigh themselves 2 or 3 times a day ‘just to check’. I am more than the numbers( but of course I will still check sometimes and be thrilled when the numbers go down), I am more interested in being happy and healthy than I am a number.

One of the things Gill and I talked about was Christmas. I have never liked Christmas; there was just my mother and I and she hated it, so it was always a sad day for me. When I met John and had the boys this changed. John loved this time of the year and I was determined my kids were going to love it too and we all did. But 6 years ago that changed again. It will be 6 years on Boxing Day since John died and now once again I struggle with Christmas. I tend to hide away; I find that easier than pretending.

We talked about was making new memories and I agree, I do need to do that, and we will. Yesterday Lachie and I made a gingerbread house together. We are going to have lunch on the harbour this year on a lunch cruise which will be lovely but still in the pit of my stomach is the sadness that doesn’t appear any other time of the year. I made the mistake of watching Carols in the Domain tonight. Why are so many carols sad sounding? Or is that just me?

Anyway, this blog finished up totally different from my original thoughts which were all about making myself accountable! But I have learnt to listen to my heart when I am writing. It is out there for a reason. For now I am being kind to myself and coasting a little until the 27th, and then I will be back at the beginning of MY new year.feelings

PS – the title has no real meaning – I was looking for a quote about feelings and that one by Kurt Cobain amused me. Bet it got your attention though 😉 😀

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