[Edit]

It still amuses me that I am going to the gym – but I love it!

I have always been the ‘fat one’, always the biggest in the crowd, the least likely to step out of my comfort zone in case someone laughed or said something that would make me crawl deeper into my shell. I didn’t ever speak out in class or give my opinion for the same reason. What if I was wrong? I was so afraid of being laughed at.

But you know what – I no longer care (well, most of the time anyway :P ).

I know I am still big – but I am much better than I was!

I know I could still be wrong – but so what?

I know I am insecure – but I am improving.

I know I will never be a size 8 – but that’s okay – I just want to be healthy and a good role model for my kids.

I know I will always have moments where I am scared or worried about what other people think – but that’s okay as well. I am human :)

I went to meet my exercise friends yesterday and there was a change of plan – it happens. But as I was sitting waiting with my glass of water, all those horrible feelings that I used to get waiting for the school bus came flooding back. I felt self-conscious and awkward. Then I looked around and thought ‘seriously – who cares’ (apart from me I mean)? So I set a time limit, had another drink of water and left – without feeling awkward or embarrassed. Score for me!!

I have had a bit of and up and down round this time, but when I think back on how far I have come mentally and emotionally, I don’t care so much about the weight. Of course I would have liked to lose more but in the last few weeks my midset and self talk have changed dramatically.

Am I perfect yet? Nope – sadly not yet lol and I am not holding my breath :D because I am not aiming for perfect (just as well really) – I am aiming for healthy and happy and liking me and I am so much further along that path. I am so grateful and happy that I found 12wbt and my exercise friends. Its onward and upward now and only 26 sleeps until finale!! :D :D:D

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