I have just realised something – I rarely blog when I am happy or content. That doesn’t mean I only blog when I am sad or miserable, but more if there is something on my mind.
This morning started well – my dress for finale arrived, and the tickets went on sale. Nothing particularly bad happened, it just became ‘one of those days’.
I guess it doesn’t help having 3 sick kids – Ian has tonsillitis, Brendan has the flu and his blood sugars are a little out of whack and Lachie is having stomach pains and issues again, but even then I was doing okay.
It wasn’t until I sat out on the front porch this evening that the sadness hit. I sat listening to the people around, families playing, people swimming, laughter and togetherness and I felt sad, but more than that the lonliness hit me again. I miss John almost every day but now I rarely ‘miss-miss’ him, if that makes sense. My life is what it is but always in the back of my mind I am aware that I am alone and probably always will be. Of course I have my boys but as much as I love them and they are great kids, they are my kids and it is just not the same.
Its been a funny week, full of ups and downs as are most people’s lives. I was thrilled to have lost 2.1 kilos which meant I lost 800g more than the 1.3 kilos I put on this week. My leg has been causing me a problem, so much so that when I went to the gym I couldn’t even pedal on the recumbant bike without pain. I have a physio appointment tomorrow, but there has been no pain for several days now so I will probably cancel that – it seems a bit pointless to go and say I had pain but ……
I have spent all week sorting, rearranging and cleaning my scrap room. This is no small task – I used to teach scrap booking so I have masses of stuff, so much so that it took a whole day to empty the room. Thats when I decided I didn’t want to play any more. Two days in and I am 3/4 done. It will look good when it is done but meanwhile I am so over it!!
I am going to try going back to the gym tomorrow and see what happens. I hate not being able to exercise. I feel fat and horrible and that obviously affects my moods and then I remember how lonely I feel and it is down hill from then on.
I am very aware of how much my life has changed recently and I am proud of what I have achieved but there is a bit of guilt in there as well. I wish I had done this when John was alive – so many things would have been different; I wouldn’t have avoided doing things because of my size, we could have done more together as a family, etc.
But for now I move on, try to forget that I am lonely and appreciate where I am, and try to blog some of the good or even every day stuff. My life is more that the sad/lonely/thoughtful/etc times!!