I have just realised something – I rarely blog when I am happy or content. That doesn’t mean I only blog when I am sad or miserable, but more if there is something on my mind.
This morning started well – my dress for finale arrived, and the tickets went on sale. Nothing particularly bad happened, it just became ‘one of those days’.
I guess it doesn’t help having 3 sick kids – Ian has tonsillitis, Brendan has the flu and his blood sugars are a little out of whack and Lachie is having stomach pains and issues again, but even then I was doing okay.
It wasn’t until I sat out on the front porch this evening that the sadness hit. I sat listening to the people around, families playing, people swimming, laughter and togetherness and I felt sad, but more than that the lonliness hit me again. I miss John almost every day but now I rarely ‘miss-miss’ him, if that makes sense. My life is what it is but always in the back of my mind I am aware that I am alone and probably always will be. Of course I have my boys but as much as I love them and they are great kids, they are my kids and it is just not the same.
Its been a funny week, full of ups and downs as are most people’s lives. I was thrilled to have lost 2.1 kilos which meant I lost 800g more than the 1.3 kilos I put on this week. My leg has been causing me a problem, so much so that when I went to the gym I couldn’t even pedal on the recumbant bike without pain. I have a physio appointment tomorrow, but there has been no pain for several days now so I will probably cancel that – it seems a bit pointless to go and say I had pain but ……
I have spent all week sorting, rearranging and cleaning my scrap room. This is no small task – I used to teach scrap booking so I have masses of stuff, so much so that it took a whole day to empty the room. Thats when I decided I didn’t want to play any more. Two days in and I am 3/4 done. It will look good when it is done but meanwhile I am so over it!!
I am going to try going back to the gym tomorrow and see what happens. I hate not being able to exercise. I feel fat and horrible and that obviously affects my moods and then I remember how lonely I feel and it is down hill from then on.
I am very aware of how much my life has changed recently and I am proud of what I have achieved but there is a bit of guilt in there as well. I wish I had done this when John was alive – so many things would have been different; I wouldn’t have avoided doing things because of my size, we could have done more together as a family, etc.
But for now I move on, try to forget that I am lonely and appreciate where I am, and try to blog some of the good or even every day stuff. My life is more that the sad/lonely/thoughtful/etc times!!
❤ I appreciated your words. Hugs and may tomorrow be filled with more happiness than sadness
❤ thank you
Anne Hill said:
Shirley you are a credit to your boys hope they are all feeling better soon. Keep going you are doing so well and it want be much longer before your UK visitors are there to give you a big hug from us all. Hugs and x’s Anne
Hugs from me too, and yes, your visitors will soon be there … these moments you’re having are wobbly moments, you’re bound to get them when you’re changing your life in a big way. And you are. But good times are coming – and don’t ever tell yourself that you’ll always be alone, the Universe is listening, remember. 😉
Teresa Crouch said:
I can’t imagine how it must be for you – but I do know you are one of the strongest people I know – so glad we got to meet 🙂