It’s funny, when you decide the time is right to lose weight and become fitter, you really have no idea of the follow-on effects or the problems, for want of a better word, that will arise.
I have been very fortunate in that my weight loss journey, so far, has gone fairly much as I would have hoped, although this week has not been so good – but that is another blog post.
I have dropped some sizes in clothes, lost many centimetres and just the other day had the fun of cleaning out my wardrobe and getting rid of a lot of clothes that I will never wear again. Then it suddenly occurred to me that my hands were no longer fat, which led to wondering if my rings would fit again and that’s where the problem began.
For anyone who doesn’t know, my husband passed away just over 5 years ago (more in the ‘About Me’ for if you are interested), but I haven’t worn my wedding ring for at least 12 years as it just didn’t fit.
Now I discover that it is actually a little loose, but still wearable, which brings up the problem – do I want to wear it? Don’t get me wrong. I loved my husband very much and I had a very hard time moving on from his death, but I have worked hard and this 12wbt journey is part of that. The dilemma I have, is that somewhere in the back of my head I am hearing that if I start wearing my wedding band again, I am taking a step backwards.
I have finally got to a place where I am reasonably content with who and what I am and it kind of feels like I am taking myself back to where I was 3 or 4 years ago just by putting on that circle of gold. On the other hand I am also hearing that I am being disloyal to him and his memory by not wearing it now I can.
It’s not that I am looking for someone new and so don’t want to be wearing my ring; if it happens so be it, but apart from some loneliness at times, as I said I am content.
So why is this such an issue? It never has been before. I have talked to two people about it, my best friend who has been there through all the ups and downs, the sadness, the anger, the depression, the changes and yes, the good times as well, and she agrees that it is something I need to work through – that in a way it is a good thing it has become an issue because I have lost so much weight and while it may take time (damnit!) I will get through it like everything else.
The other person I talked to is someone I have never met in real life. We met through Facebook and I consider him a very dear friend. He said something that struck home; to look at it that the ring is a symbol of what your life is now and that I am now strong enough to wear the ring without any bad feelings. And you know, he is right. I am strong enough and suddenly whether I wear the ring or not is no longer such an issue.
John was a huge part of my life and I only have to look at my boys and I see him every single day. Whether I wear the ring or not is irrelevant, I have my memories and my boys and I know I had his love. The ring is only a thing and for now it is going back where it was. Perhaps one day I will wear it again, but for now, as selfish as it probably sounds, I need to keep going on this journey for me and not have any distractions. I am an emotional person and I can see just from taking the ring out for one day that it could start to become a focus of what I no longer have and thus take my attention to where I am right now. He would be so proud of what I have achieved since he died and he would be the first person to tell me to concentrate on what is important, and right now it is getting me and the boys healthy and happy and that is exactly what I am going to do.
What started out as a journey of weight loss has become so much more. I am discovering and rediscovering who I am, and for the first time in a long time, I like this new version of me. Who knew that there was so much more to weight loss than just losing weight!!