So round 2 of 12wbt is done. I am more than happy with my results (total loss 20.4 kilos and 60cms gone for ever) but the last 4 weeks has been quite frankly, a struggle.
Being sick (as well as the injured ankle) and not being able to exercise affected me far more than I would have thought! But worse than that it became a vicious circle – the more I didn’t exercise, the less I wanted to. This in turn affected my eating and while I pretty much stayed within my calories, I certainly wasn’t eating clean.
But I am feeling better so it should all be fabulous – right?
Nope – this is where the inner bitch decided it would be a good time to speak up.
Don’t get me wrong I am thrilled with the changes in my body and attitude, and people are starting to notice and comment, but that is also the problem. I have always been a ‘big girl’, but after John died I put on even more weight. It wasn’t a conscious decision, but when he died I lost a part of who I was. We had been together almost 25 years and suddenly with him no longer there I didn’t have that person who always had my back, no matter what, that person who loved me on the good days but also when I was not at my best, that person who listened and supported me in even my craziest ideas, and I had to learn to live a completely different life. Looking back I realise I probably didn’t cope as well as I could have, I existed for a long time but I survived.
The thing is, while I might not have liked who I had become, it was safe. I knew my place in the world and there were no waves. Now over the last 12 weeks, I have made a lot of physical changes and have stepped out of my comfort zone more than I thought possible and that little voice inside me is saying ‘enough – be happy with what you have achieved’. The problem with that is that deep down I know I am not happy. I am still the lonely, scared person I have been for the last 5 years. I want to change, become more alive and actually live my life and no longer just exist, but that little voice keeps saying ‘maybe I should be satisfied with where I am, I am healthier and fitter and if I keep going, I will probably fail anyway. I always have in the past. And while I have done well, I am too old, have horrible knees, too unfit to do any more and I should just accept it.’
The problem is that while you can stay away from other negative people in your life, you will always take you with you and sometimes that voice can sound louder than anything else in the world!
To quote my best friend and my biggest supporter (thanks Gill) “People always expect losing weight to change their lives – it will, but it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s still down to you – but you can’t change every single thing in your life in 12 weeks. 12 weeks is a tiny portion of time. You are coming to the end of the first 12 week challenge. Maybe your internal saboutaging bitch is trying to do her dirty deed of making you feel like a failure – or trying to make you fail a little, because of all the success you’ve had.”
And she is right! I know that if I hadn’t already joined to do the next round I probably wouldn’t have. I know that it would have been so easy to slip back into the complacency that was my life and accept that this was the way my life was going to be; that I was meant to be alone and lonely, that I was meant to be the ‘fat one’ in the group, but yesterday something clicked.
I woke up and before I had time to think too much, or let that voice start, I got dressed in my exercise clothes and as I am still not physically capable of doing very much, did a walking DVD. This meant that if I needed to stop I could, but I pushed through and ‘walked’ a mile. My lungs were protesting but I did it! And I felt good!
Then I got an email saying the next finale was in Sydney. There was the incentive I needed; a goal to work towards. It was time to kick that inner bitch to the curb. I will smash this round, I will go to that finale and I will look and feel fabulous! There was one tiny little blip when she gave it one last go reminding me that I would be going alone and many of the others would be taking partners. While in my head I know there will many people there without partners, there was that momentary doubt, but it was pushed aside and I have offered my ‘plus one’ invitation to someone who wants to go but is not able to do this round!
That inner voice is well and truly squashed (I know lots of mixed metaphors!) and of course I know she will be back, but for now I am strong and determined and off to do a step DVD. I have 12 weeks to become an even more fabulous version of me! And I will do it!
Bring on round 3!!