Actually though it wasn’t until today that I realised exactly why I have been struggling since i last wrote.

I worked last week, progressively feeling worse every night but determined to get through the week, that was until Saturday night which felt  like it was the longest night. I alternated between feeling hot and cold, ran high temps and generally felt horrible. I gave in and took Sunday night off, which is just as well as I don’t rememeber anything about Sunday, or much of Monday for that matter.

I did go to the doctor and while she thought it was my yearly dose of bronchitis, she also got throat swabs done for Whooping Cough (which fortunately were negative).

I spent the week, coughing and generally feeling miserable, and as well as that had Lachlan home, and Ian off for one day, all with the same symptoms. Brendan was staying well clear!

The real advantage was it gave my ankle more time to heal – it is still a little fragile but much much better, but the disadvantage was I didn’t want to eat and when I did, it was rarely ‘good’ food. But despite this, I managed to stay within my calorie count most days.

The worst part was this week I had 2 dinners to go to. For someone who could probably count the number of timeson one hand that she has been out without the kids since John died, having to miss these was more upsetting than pretty much anything else.

Today however, I woke up know it was City to Surf day and in a weird way, felt better; not so much physically but it suddenly occured to me that I was feeling a failure. That no matter how many times, or how I told myself that I wasn’t walking it for a physical reason, I still felt like I had failed! I still felt like I had to qualify why I wasn’t doing it now, and actually, not being able to walk and breath at the same time this week made me feel like it was more justified, even though in the back of my mind I still had that little voice shouting ‘FAILURE!’

Now it’s over and I have a year to wait, it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and it’s okay to walk and train again. In my head I know this is stupid but try telling that voice.

It was then a good time to look at the pre-season tasks for the next round of 12wbt. To look at my excuses and how to stop my self using them, but also my committment.Mish says we have to ‘say it out loud’ – so here is mine ….

My committment is to me, to Mish, to my friends and family, to the girls of the West Sydney crew and the 30+ crew who have been so supportive and inspiring over the last 11 weeks.

I have lost just under 20 kilos and 49.5cm which is amazing and something I never really thought I could achieve. Having been really sick the last couple of weeks I have backed off a little and am struggling to get back on track so this couldn’t come at a better time. Now I am re-committing that I will continue this journey and not let the momentum stop until I get to my goal and then continue so that I can be the person I know I can be and be proud to look in the mirror and like what I see.

I will ….

1. Get back on the program after being sick
2. Follow the food program 100%
3. Stop self-saboutaging
4. Plan all my meals, especially my snacks
5. Eat clean 95% of the time
6. Exercise regularly and enjoy my rest day
7. Commit to SSS with the West Sydney girls at least once a fortnight
8. Not focus on the numbers but push myself every day
9. Track on MFP every day – even the not-so-perfect ones
10. Be honest with myself in tracking food and exercise
11. Stop using excuses
12. Never go back to where I was
13. Lose at least 15 kilos this round
14. Stop eating my emotions
15. Believe that I am beautiful
16. Not give in when I have an ‘off’ moment or day
17. Learn to accept that I can’t use my weight as an excuse to stop doing things
18. Help the boys eat well and enjoy it
19. Plan! Plan! Plan!
20. Believe in myself – I CAN do this!

I am committed to keeping my positive attitude and living my new life and can’t wait to see what these next 12 weeks bring!

Let a new week begin – such a shame I have to go back to work tomorrow night 😉