It’s just after midnight and I know I need to go to bed, but there is stuff in my head that I need to get out, so here I am frozen and tired and writing. Please excuse any typos – I will fix all those tomorrow!!
Today has probably been the worst day since I started 12wbt. It started okay – dropped my son at school, did some grocery shopping and came home and made Buttermilk Pancakes which were so yummy. The first problem was I should have had breakfast much earlier, but I wanted pancakes and I had no buttermilk. Then I discovered a left over kebab in the fridge which was supposed to be for lunch and ate it. If I had stopped there it all would have been okay but for some reason today food has been calling me. And unfortunately I have been answering 😦 So I ate too much and all the wrong things and then for the rest of the day felt terrible – both physically and mentally. The only good thing is it wasn’t as bad as it would have been once; mostly because I don’t have those things in the house any more.
I know part of the reason is that I am not walking. My ankle is still playing up from when I hurt it a couple of weeks ago. It seems fine until I turn a certain way or walk too far and then I get shooting pains through it. I am keeping it supported and trying to balance resting it so it can heal completely and keeping ‘walking fit’ because there is just 2 weeks until City to Surf and at this point there is no way I can walk 14kms 😦
I realised tonight I was slipping back into the negative self-talk. I was giving myself permission to keep eating because I had already mucked up – so why not keep on going. It was like an old friend come to visit; it felt safe and comfortable … until I thought about all the work I had done and those 18 kilos I had lost and how, just last week, I was feeling fabulous!
I realised I didn’t want to go back to being that person. That person is gone forever. There is a saying about friends being in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and when they no longer fit into your life, it is time to let them go. I recognise tonight that it is time to let this ‘friend’, this negativity, go once and for all.
As I am writing this I realise that recently I have been talking to my 14 year old son about being so negative. The realisation just hit me that he is doing what he is seeing. We had a long talk last night about fitness and health and tomorrow, or rather today, we are going to sit down and work out some food options, and some strategies.
Perhaps today happened for a reason. It reminded me why I am on this journey and just how far I have come and has helped me to realise how it is affecting my family. It is time to put aside the fear and the self-pity and get out there and JFDI!
Lesson learnt … next!