I have been feeling really negative this week – I am not really sure why, the week I don’t work is usually my ‘good’ week but there it is.

I know I am doing well with my life changes (I refuse to call it or think of it as a ‘diet’; this is changing my life not just a temporary fix) but still I am just not seeing it when I look in the mirror.

I decided to do what others have done and do the side-by-side photo and again – I do see small changes but only very small ones. I guess it’s true that it takes a while for our brains to catch up.

Then I thought – maybe it’s just me – other people can’t see it when I certainly can see the difference in them and they get flooded with ‘wow – look at the difference’ messages and it makes me feel good so I can only imagine how it makes them feel. After lots of wavering (have I mentioned before I am totally chicken and have no self-confidence :() I posted in on one of my favourite places at the moment – where everyone is in the same boat weight wise and nada! Okay – that’s not quite true – my chief cheerleader commented and I got lots of likes and a couple of nice comments but now I have even more doubts.

Don’t get me wrong – I certainly am not meaning to be negative about the crew – they are wonderful and really supportive but they are also honest and I must admit last night I was seriously beginning to wonder if all this work is worthwhile. And yes, I know I am not doing it for acclaim, I am doing it to make my life better and let’s be honest here, probably save my life, but last night my mindset was pretty much ‘if after 16 and a half kilos and 28cms off my body doesn’t show any real difference, is it worth it?’

This morning I woke up a little late and was very tempted not to go for a walk but I knew I would regret it, so I finally got ready and off I went. I love walking in the early morning, especially on a Sunday when it is so quiet and today it gave me some time to think.

The one big overwhelming thing that hit me is that while I might think I am feeling good and gaining confidence, in reality I am still the same insecure, fat little girl I have been for the past far too many years. I mostly feel great but it takes very little to knock that surface confidence and trample it into the ground.

So I have made some decisions …

1.  I have to run my own race and not compare myself to others and more importantly I have to stop relying on validation from others and getting depressed when this doesn’t happen as much as I would like. To help with this …

  • I have decided no more posting of photos anywhere except here and while I will certainly encourage others, I won’t seek any for me
  • I will take photos every 4 weeks so over time I might be able to see the difference
  • I will listen to Michelle’s mindset videos regularly

2.  I will remind myself of how far I have come since John died and just how proud he would be of me.

  • I have survived
  • I no longer cry every day and now rarely (except as I am writing this!)
  • I am coping financially
  • I have learnt to drive
  • I have 3 wonderful boys who their dad (and I) would be very proud of
  • I am putting my son through school and coping with the fees
  • The older boys are working and self sufficient
  • I am taking care of me
  • I am learning to live again

3.  I will stop the negative self-talk as soon as I realise I am doing it and replace it with positive reminders that I am good enough and strong enough and that I can become the person I want to be and that I am no longer that fat kid who used to sit watching every one else.

 

 

 

4.   I will persevere when I think I am not doing enough exercise-wise and not stress when it seems like everyone is passing me on my walks. I will remember the man who passed me for the 2nd time today and said ‘well done – keep going’.

5.   I will remember I am in it for the long haul and while I may not be fast or do huge distances – I am lapping the people on the couch!

6.   I will not worry too much about calorie burn right now – as long as I am doing the best I can and pushing myself as hard as I can and then a little bit more I will be satisfied.

7.   I will believe in myself – I am as good as everyone else and there is no reason I can’t do what I want ….

  • I just have to work out what I do want
  • I will believe my writing is good enough and I will stop procrastinating and believe the good feedback I got in the Master-class and get my book finished
  • I will finish the City to Surf – even if it is slower than others.

I am sure there are other things I decided while I was walking but they escape me for now.

I have always been a person who needs to write things down to get them out of my head – I already feel more positive and determined. I did consider not posting this at all but I have also learnt that that doesn’t work for me. Even if no-one reads it, I need to put it out there – wherever ‘there’ is.

Reading back over all that, I think I need to really acknowledge how far I have come in the last few weeks so …

  • I choose healthy foods over not so good for me food and enjoy it
  • I eat food I have never tried or disliked before and enjoy it
  • I sleep better
  • I am happier
  • I am less moody
  • I have more energy
  • I have lost 16.4 kilos
  • I have lost 28cm off my body
  • I can walk much further than the 1km I struggled through at the beginning
  • I am fitting into clothes that not long ago were too tight and some of my clothes are getting too baggy to wear
  • I am beginning to like the person I am becoming
  • I am beginning to believe that I am worthy of having real-life friends – not just online ones (not that means in any way that they are in are not true friends) and that I will not always be this lonely.

and I will remember …

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