I have been feeling really negative this week – I am not really sure why, the week I don’t work is usually my ‘good’ week but there it is.
I know I am doing well with my life changes (I refuse to call it or think of it as a ‘diet’; this is changing my life not just a temporary fix) but still I am just not seeing it when I look in the mirror.
I decided to do what others have done and do the side-by-side photo and again – I do see small changes but only very small ones. I guess it’s true that it takes a while for our brains to catch up.
Then I thought – maybe it’s just me – other people can’t see it when I certainly can see the difference in them and they get flooded with ‘wow – look at the difference’ messages and it makes me feel good so I can only imagine how it makes them feel. After lots of wavering (have I mentioned before I am totally chicken and have no self-confidence :() I posted in on one of my favourite places at the moment – where everyone is in the same boat weight wise and nada! Okay – that’s not quite true – my chief cheerleader commented and I got lots of likes and a couple of nice comments but now I have even more doubts.
Don’t get me wrong – I certainly am not meaning to be negative about the crew – they are wonderful and really supportive but they are also honest and I must admit last night I was seriously beginning to wonder if all this work is worthwhile. And yes, I know I am not doing it for acclaim, I am doing it to make my life better and let’s be honest here, probably save my life, but last night my mindset was pretty much ‘if after 16 and a half kilos and 28cms off my body doesn’t show any real difference, is it worth it?’
This morning I woke up a little late and was very tempted not to go for a walk but I knew I would regret it, so I finally got ready and off I went. I love walking in the early morning, especially on a Sunday when it is so quiet and today it gave me some time to think.
The one big overwhelming thing that hit me is that while I might think I am feeling good and gaining confidence, in reality I am still the same insecure, fat little girl I have been for the past far too many years. I mostly feel great but it takes very little to knock that surface confidence and trample it into the ground.
So I have made some decisions …
1. I have to run my own race and not compare myself to others and more importantly I have to stop relying on validation from others and getting depressed when this doesn’t happen as much as I would like. To help with this …
- I have decided no more posting of photos anywhere except here and while I will certainly encourage others, I won’t seek any for me
- I will take photos every 4 weeks so over time I might be able to see the difference
- I will listen to Michelle’s mindset videos regularly
2. I will remind myself of how far I have come since John died and just how proud he would be of me.
- I have survived
- I no longer cry every day and now rarely (except as I am writing this!)
- I am coping financially
- I have learnt to drive
- I have 3 wonderful boys who their dad (and I) would be very proud of
- I am putting my son through school and coping with the fees
- The older boys are working and self sufficient
- I am taking care of me
- I am learning to live again
3. I will stop the negative self-talk as soon as I realise I am doing it and replace it with positive reminders that I am good enough and strong enough and that I can become the person I want to be and that I am no longer that fat kid who used to sit watching every one else.
4. I will persevere when I think I am not doing enough exercise-wise and not stress when it seems like everyone is passing me on my walks. I will remember the man who passed me for the 2nd time today and said ‘well done – keep going’.
5. I will remember I am in it for the long haul and while I may not be fast or do huge distances – I am lapping the people on the couch!
6. I will not worry too much about calorie burn right now – as long as I am doing the best I can and pushing myself as hard as I can and then a little bit more I will be satisfied.
7. I will believe in myself – I am as good as everyone else and there is no reason I can’t do what I want ….
- I just have to work out what I do want
- I will believe my writing is good enough and I will stop procrastinating and believe the good feedback I got in the Master-class and get my book finished
- I will finish the City to Surf – even if it is slower than others.
I am sure there are other things I decided while I was walking but they escape me for now.
I have always been a person who needs to write things down to get them out of my head – I already feel more positive and determined. I did consider not posting this at all but I have also learnt that that doesn’t work for me. Even if no-one reads it, I need to put it out there – wherever ‘there’ is.
Reading back over all that, I think I need to really acknowledge how far I have come in the last few weeks so …
- I choose healthy foods over not so good for me food and enjoy it
- I eat food I have never tried or disliked before and enjoy it
- I sleep better
- I am happier
- I am less moody
- I have more energy
- I have lost 16.4 kilos
- I have lost 28cm off my body
- I can walk much further than the 1km I struggled through at the beginning
- I am fitting into clothes that not long ago were too tight and some of my clothes are getting too baggy to wear
- I am beginning to like the person I am becoming
- I am beginning to believe that I am worthy of having real-life friends – not just online ones (not that means in any way that they are in are not true friends) and that I will not always be this lonely.
and I will remember …