I have been feeling really negative this week – I am not really sure why, the week I don’t work is usually my ‘good’ week but there it is.
I know I am doing well with my life changes (I refuse to call it or think of it as a ‘diet’; this is changing my life not just a temporary fix) but still I am just not seeing it when I look in the mirror.
I decided to do what others have done and do the side-by-side photo and again – I do see small changes but only very small ones. I guess it’s true that it takes a while for our brains to catch up.
Then I thought – maybe it’s just me – other people can’t see it when I certainly can see the difference in them and they get flooded with ‘wow – look at the difference’ messages and it makes me feel good so I can only imagine how it makes them feel. After lots of wavering (have I mentioned before I am totally chicken and have no self-confidence :() I posted in on one of my favourite places at the moment – where everyone is in the same boat weight wise and nada! Okay – that’s not quite true – my chief cheerleader commented and I got lots of likes and a couple of nice comments but now I have even more doubts.
Don’t get me wrong – I certainly am not meaning to be negative about the crew – they are wonderful and really supportive but they are also honest and I must admit last night I was seriously beginning to wonder if all this work is worthwhile. And yes, I know I am not doing it for acclaim, I am doing it to make my life better and let’s be honest here, probably save my life, but last night my mindset was pretty much ‘if after 16 and a half kilos and 28cms off my body doesn’t show any real difference, is it worth it?’
This morning I woke up a little late and was very tempted not to go for a walk but I knew I would regret it, so I finally got ready and off I went. I love walking in the early morning, especially on a Sunday when it is so quiet and today it gave me some time to think.
The one big overwhelming thing that hit me is that while I might think I am feeling good and gaining confidence, in reality I am still the same insecure, fat little girl I have been for the past far too many years. I mostly feel great but it takes very little to knock that surface confidence and trample it into the ground.
So I have made some decisions …
1. I have to run my own race and not compare myself to others and more importantly I have to stop relying on validation from others and getting depressed when this doesn’t happen as much as I would like. To help with this …
- I have decided no more posting of photos anywhere except here and while I will certainly encourage others, I won’t seek any for me
- I will take photos every 4 weeks so over time I might be able to see the difference
- I will listen to Michelle’s mindset videos regularly
2. I will remind myself of how far I have come since John died and just how proud he would be of me.
- I have survived
- I no longer cry every day and now rarely (except as I am writing this!)
- I am coping financially
- I have learnt to drive
- I have 3 wonderful boys who their dad (and I) would be very proud of
- I am putting my son through school and coping with the fees
- The older boys are working and self sufficient
- I am taking care of me
- I am learning to live again
3. I will stop the negative self-talk as soon as I realise I am doing it and replace it with positive reminders that I am good enough and strong enough and that I can become the person I want to be and that I am no longer that fat kid who used to sit watching every one else.
4. I will persevere when I think I am not doing enough exercise-wise and not stress when it seems like everyone is passing me on my walks. I will remember the man who passed me for the 2nd time today and said ‘well done – keep going’.
5. I will remember I am in it for the long haul and while I may not be fast or do huge distances – I am lapping the people on the couch!
6. I will not worry too much about calorie burn right now – as long as I am doing the best I can and pushing myself as hard as I can and then a little bit more I will be satisfied.
7. I will believe in myself – I am as good as everyone else and there is no reason I can’t do what I want ….
- I just have to work out what I do want
- I will believe my writing is good enough and I will stop procrastinating and believe the good feedback I got in the Master-class and get my book finished
- I will finish the City to Surf – even if it is slower than others.
I am sure there are other things I decided while I was walking but they escape me for now.
I have always been a person who needs to write things down to get them out of my head – I already feel more positive and determined. I did consider not posting this at all but I have also learnt that that doesn’t work for me. Even if no-one reads it, I need to put it out there – wherever ‘there’ is.
Reading back over all that, I think I need to really acknowledge how far I have come in the last few weeks so …
- I choose healthy foods over not so good for me food and enjoy it
- I eat food I have never tried or disliked before and enjoy it
- I sleep better
- I am happier
- I am less moody
- I have more energy
- I have lost 16.4 kilos
- I have lost 28cm off my body
- I can walk much further than the 1km I struggled through at the beginning
- I am fitting into clothes that not long ago were too tight and some of my clothes are getting too baggy to wear
- I am beginning to like the person I am becoming
- I am beginning to believe that I am worthy of having real-life friends – not just online ones (not that means in any way that they are in are not true friends) and that I will not always be this lonely.
and I will remember …
You are doing amazingly well. You are inches narrower in the latest pic, as well as there being a difference in your face, chin, arms and forearms. We are our own worst critics unfortunately, and it IS difficult to accept compliments when you’ve never been brought up receiving them (I know this!), but someday soon you’re going to start believing them. You deserve them because of everything you wrote above – you’re doing great. Keep doing it, just for you (like you said). Yes, outside appreciation is nice, but inner appreciation, confidence, self esteem and self-love is way more important.
You’ll get there. xx
I used to “forget” my gym clothes so I didn’t have to know I couldn’t compete. Now, 23 years later, I KNOW I am as strong as I tell myself I am and I am as fit as my mental state.
Healthy and fit begin in the mind and the body follows.
You are stronger, healthier and more secure than you were yesterday! Go get em!
Thank you Gill 🙂 I will – today is a better day and I have made decisions that I can live with – onwards and upwards!! xx
Thank you for your comment – lol about the gym clothes – hadn’t thought of that one 😉
Today I am much more positive – in a way its good to have these ‘moments’ cause it makes us appreciate just how well we really are doing xx